Thursday, December 9, 2010

Buckle Up

Hello! I've been wanting to post for a while but our satellite Internet is dead. We are going on Week 4 of being bamboozled, dismissed and abused by various Hughesnet technicians. Today the tech says he can't come because his truck is ON FIRE. Well.

But this post can't wait any longer. I need to clear my conscience. You know my general views on government and economics and I've always half-jokingly promised that I would tell you when I thought it was time to start building a bunker and storing canned goods.

I'm no longer joking. I need you to know that now is the time to prepare for hard times. I believe that my grandchildren will look back at 2010 as the year America ceased being a "superpower".

Our lifestyle is no longer sustainable. America as we knew it or at least as we thought we understood it no longer exists. Economic collapse IS coming and we've brought it on ourselves. I don't know when it will happen or if it will come down with a giant crash or if we will slowly deteriorate into desperation. But it's going to be painful.

Violent Marxist revolutionaries are taking Europe by storm and they will come here. They have been planting the seeds of revolution for decades. The bomb-throwing, America-hating hippies of the '60s are now the establishment. They are running our education system, financial system, political system, industry and healthcare. The only piece remaining that they don't completely control is the media. And they have their sights set on it with "net neutrality" and the FCC. And once we are no longer free to communicate competing ideas with each other it's checkmate. Game over.

But I haven't lost hope. America WILL survive. She won't look quite the same. There will be scars that remain but her principles are indestructible. All men are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

So buckle up--it's gonna get dicey. But the good news is I believe the good guys win in the end.

- Posted using BlogPress from Dixie, my iPhone

Monday, November 1, 2010

Happy Election Day Eve!

Oh, I am giddy about the Big Day tomorrow!  It should be an historic election of gargantuan proportions!

I love a good hyperbole.

I thought I'd share some of the races I'll be keeping my eye on tomorrow night.  I know you are all dying to know who I'm rooting for. 

Rooting sounds like I'm getting ready to watch a big game.  Unfortunately, politics HAS become a game, and I don't actually like the Democrats OR the Republicans.  They are all a bunch of big-government, progressive weasels.  I'd like to give them all a big, giant foam finger. That being said, I'll be wearing red and rootin' for the Republicans tomorrow since I believe the Democrats have already sold their souls to George Soros.  Time will tell if the "Tea Party" Republicans sell out too.

So some of my favorite races to watch tomorrow night are:

Nevada-Senate race: It will be HISTORIC (and hilarious) if Tea-Party favorite Sharron Angle beats Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.  Reid is an elitist, arrogant jerk.  Go Sharon!

Delaware-Senate race:  It would be so awesome if Christine O'Donnell could beat Chris Coons.  At first I thought she was a little kooky, and she may well be, but she started to grow on me. And I have to root for anybody who's been treated by the media like she has been.  I love an underdog.

Florida-Senate race:  I am a HUGE fan of Marco Rubio.  Dare I say he seems...presidential?!  Meeks seems like a decent fellow but Crist is a shameless dirtbag.

California-Governor:  I don't know much about Meg Whitman but she does have one really, REALLY important qualification--she's NOT Jerry Brown.

California-Senate race:  I think I like Carly Fiorina.  And I know I don't like Barbara "Call Me Senator" Boxer.  I'd like to call her "Former Senator Boxer".

Alaska-Senate:  Joe Miller seems like a decent guy.  Lisa Murkowski seems to be a spoiled brat throwing a temper tantrum over not winning the Republican nomination.

Ohio-Governor:  John Kasich.  I've always liked him.

Connecticut-Governor:  What the h-e- double-hockey stick is wrong with you Connecticut? How is Richard Blumenthal even in the running against Linda McMahon?  Not that I'm a big fan of Linda's but HELLO!, Blumenthal is an unprincipaled moron.
Arkansas-House: I'm pulling for Beth Anne Rankin.  I went to college with her and she's a lovely person.  And Mike Ross is not.

Arkansas-Senate:  I can't wait to retire Blanche Lincoln!  Woo Hoo!  John Boozman!

Colorado-Governor:  A win by Tom Tancredo would be amazing.

Kentucky-Senate:  I really like Rand Paul. 

Pennsylvania-Senate:  I hope Pat Toomey can pull out a win over Joe Sestak.

Wisconsin-Senate:  I will be so delighted to see Russ Feingold lose.

Arizona-House:  Ruth McClung is my choice.  She's a physicist.  I like physicists. (Head nod to Mr. Rascalraiser.)

Florida-House:  Please, please Florida.  Go vote for Dan Webster.  Alan Grayson is a hate-mongering psycho.  Would you like for me to tell you how I really feel?

Massachusetts-House:  Mass, what is your deal?!  How is Sean Bielat not winning against Barney "Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are not in a crisis situation" Frank?!

So there you go.  I know your life is more complete now that you know where I stand on these races.  I've got my race-tracking lists printed and the Hubs and I will be popping some corn and sipping hot cocoa tomorrow night watching the results roll in!

Woo hoo!  Go Big Red!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Freedom Of Speech Gets Kicked In The Head

Hello again.  It's been a while.  But you KNEW I'd have to come back to talk about this NPR fiasco, didn't you?!

Please, please tell me you have been paying attention to the world around you and you are aware of the fact that NPR fired Juan Williams this week.  Just in case, here's a quick explanation:  Juan Williams, a liberal news analyst for NPR and also a contributor on Fox News, was abruptly let go from his decade-long employment with NPR this week allegedly because of comments he made on Bill O'Reilly's show regarding Muslims.  I say "allegedly" because NPR has tolerated much worse statements than Juan's from the likes of Cokie Roberts and Nina Totenburg and they still have jobs.  Oh, but they only insulted conservatives and Christians so it's all good.

I feel like I need to insert right here this disclaimer:  I do not like Juan Williams.  He is very far-left in his political ideology and when I watch him I usually wind up yelling at my TV.  I don't know that I have ever agreed with Juan on anything.  However, I grudgingly respect his willingness to come on Fox News and have a reasonable debate unlike so many on the far-left.  (Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg come to mind.)  Just sayin'.

Ok, back to the summary of the situation.  Juan and Bill were discussing the Behar/Goldberg walk-out on the set of The View when Bill said that "Muslim's killed us on 9/11" and that political correctness is running amok these days when Juan decided to use himself as an example.  I'm paraphrasing but he said something like, "I'm very involved in the civil rights movement so obviously I am no bigot.  But even I get a little nervous when I get on a plane and there's someone in full-on Muslim garb."  Ok.  Big deal.  He didn't say that people in Muslim garb shouldn't be allowed to fly.  He didn't say that all Muslims that wear the traditional garb are dangerous or evil.  He was simply honest about his personal feelings and about what I suspect many Americans have also thought on many occasions. 

Well, you would think that he had called for stripping all Muslims of their citizenship and shipping them all back to the Middle East.  NPR promptly fired him, BY PHONE.  Yep, wouldn't even let him come in and discuss it in person.  In a completely unrelated story, last week far-left progressive billionaire George Soros donated $1.8 million dollars to NPR.  Also, in a completely unrelated story, George Soros donated $1 million dollars to Media Matters to "fight against Fox News." But I digress. 

Is it just me or does "freedom of speech" not mean what it used to?  I thought it used to mean that the answer to speech you didn't like was MORE speech.  Apparently now it means if you don't agree with me and I'm in power you should sit down and shut up.  Like I said, I almost never agree with Juan but don't you think it's a good idea to have a dialogue?  Wouldn't you think the lefties would WANT Juan to reach out to the Fox audience in hopes of persuading them to some of his views?  Maybe that would be too reasonable.  I guess I'm just too darn reasonable...Juan, I'll stand with you and I champion your right to free speech.  You keep on talking and I'll keep on yelling at my TV! 

I wonder how Juan feels about so many conservatives standing up for his right to free speech?

I'll leave you with some words from George Washington:  "If freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.

Baa, baa, America.

Monday, September 6, 2010


Wow.  It's been twenty-two years since my parents tearfully dropped me off in front of the Flippen-Perrin dorm and I waved goodbye uncertainly and began that amazing adventure we call the Ouachita experience. √ćnitially when I heard about the first OBU BlogAbout I was hesitant to participate.  Not because I don't have many, many great memories from my time at Ouachita but because I didn't know how in the world I could adquately condense those memories into a coherent blog post that would do justice to the experience.  But I'm not one to miss out on a party so here goes...

My husband, Wes, says that the most important thing I need to tell you is that I met HIM at OBU.  It was right before Christmas break of my sophomore year and his freshman year.  For weeks my roommate, Teresa, had been telling me about this really cute, super-friendly guy in one of her classes.  One evening they were studying together on the bridge of the Student Center and I happened to drop by and was finally introduced to him.  I'm not being overly dramatic when I say that life was never the same!

My first two years at OBU the girls had a curfew.  Just the girls.  I guess the powers that be figured that if the girls all had to be back in the dorm then the guys wouldn't have anything to do and they'd go home too.  Wes just kindly pointed out that the Henderson girls didn't have a curfew.  Nice. 

Anyhoo, during finals week we would inevitably get the munchies after curfew.  That was back during the days of the Taco Bell  "Ten Tacos for A Dollar" deal.  Ok, it was probably more than a dollar but it was still a GREAT. DEAL! One night Teresa and I called Wes to make an emergency Taco Bell run and he and his roommate, Tom, brought back a box of tacos.  There was, conveniently, a hole in the screen of our second story window (I promise it was there when we moved in!) so Teresa and I lowered a rope (why did we have a rope?!) and Wes tied the box of tacos to the end of it and we pulled them up.  Best tacos I ever ate!

There was also the time that it snowed and Teresa and I had ordered a pizza but the pizza guy called back and said he couldn't get out of the icy parking lot to deliver said pizza.  So who ya gonna call?  Wes.  He came and got us in his little blue Toyota pickup and we slipped and slid all the way to Pizza Hut and back.  Mission accomplished. 

We used to study at the Road Runner convenience store in Caddo Valley because they had tables, were open 24 hours and they let us have free refills on our coffee.  Then we'd usually wind up at the Waffle House for their $3.99 all-you-can-eat special.

Why do all my memories involve food?

Oh, here's one that doesn't involve food.  One time the guys who lived in Conger (the REAL Conger, not that imposter that was recently torn down) ran electrical cords from the lobby to the middle of the campus and set up a TV screen so we could watch the World Series.  That was during the time that I was pretending to be interested in baseball.  Because Wes played baseball.  I didn't miss a single OBU Tiger baseball game that first year we dated.  Teresa and I, along with our suitemate, Terri, went to Panama City for spring break that year and we even surprised the team by showing up in Pensacola where they had a tournament. 

There are many more un-food-related adventures but most of those probably shouldn't be shared on the World Wide Web, especially since I happen to now work at Ouachita.  (Thanks for the health insurance, OBU!)  Let's just say that a good time was had by all. :)  Oh, and we all received stellar educations in the process.

Happy Founders Day to Ouachita! May all her skies be gay! :)

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

In Defense of Restoring Honor

You may have heard of an event called "8/28: Restoring Honor" that was held by Glenn Beck this past weekend at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington.  However, unless you consistently listen to Glenn on his daily radio program or watch his Fox News program you have probably not heard the truth about it.  And if you rely on the mainstream media for your news then you definitely haven't heard the truth about it. And if you didn't see it for yourself you can't understand it. 

Prior to the event, the Left was predicting that it would be an angry, racist, hate-filled frenzy of politically-motivated "teabaggers".  Al Sharpton even led a counter-rally nearby and accused Glenn of hijacking the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. who gave his famous "I Have a Dream" speech at the Lincoln Memorial forty-seven years ago. 

We've come to expect this kind of rhetoric and hysteria from the Left.  And each time they scream "Racist, hate-monger!" it becomes a little less believable.  Think Chicken Little.

What is most distressing to me is the reaction of the so-called Christian Right.  Some Christian leaders can't wait to condemn Beck to hell (he's a Mormon)  and decry the Restoring Honor event as heresy.  This column by Dr. Russell Moore is a perfect example of the judgemental nature and willful ignorance of some Christian leaders.  I dare say Dr. Moore probably doesn't regularly watch or listen to Beck for if he did he would know that Glenn is very careful to say that he is not a theologian and that he is aware many Christians do not consider him to be one.  He does not attempt to sway his viewers and listeners to his particular faith and in fact, vigorously insists that they search out the truth for themselves and encourages them to be very sure of what they believe.   Dr. Moore also seems to be guilty of the very same elitist attitude that we all despise in the Left--that people are too stupid (or gullible) to decide anything for themselves.  They must be told what is right and best for them.  Apparently Dr. Moore thinks that it's his responsiblity to convict peoples' hearts rather than the Holy Spirit.

Now, if I haven't quite stepped on your toes enough...

I also happen to believe that Glenn Beck IS a Christian. (Gasp!)

I grew up in the Southern Baptist church and in fact I'm the daughter of a minister.  I saw all the anti-Mormon propaganda growing up and believed it for many years.  Now, don't misunderstand me.  I do not subscribe to their theology.  I disagree vehemently with many tenets of their faith.  But what I have finally come to understand is that it is not my place to judge the effectiveness of someone's faith nor their sincerity.  Glenn has very plainly stated on many occasions that Jesus Christ is his Lord and Savior.  That's good enough for me. I also examine the fruit produced in his life just like Jesus says in Matthew 7:18-20.  I am greatly encouraged that God can take an alchoholic, self-professed "dirt bag" and turn him into a man of great courage, honor, integrity, love, kindess and generosity.  I do agree with Dr. Moore that today's American church presents a warm, fuzzy, watered-down, inoffensive gospel.  And isn't it just like God to "choose the foolish things of the world [a Mormon!!!] to shame the wise" ?! (1 Cor 1 :27)  And I will also tell you that the Spirit that lives in me recognizes the Spirit that lives in Glenn.  Feel free to judge me too.  I answer to my Jesus and no one else.

Bottom line, the Restoring Honor event was a multi-faith event that honored our military heroes and encouraged people of all faiths to join together on the issues that we can agree on--faith, hope, charity and honor.  It really doesn't matter if you or I believe Beck to be a "true" Christian--that's between him and the Lord.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Cops and Robbers

So, today I was held hostage in my office by an armed bank robber.

Well, I wasn't held hostage by the actual armed bank robber so much as I was held hostage by the University emergency alert system that warned all faculty, staff and students to go into the nearest building, lock the doors and stay there because there was an armed bank robber loose on campus.

It was very exciting for the first hour.  We all took turns inventing descriptions for the robber and by the end of the lockdown he looked something like Rambo with a machete in one hand and shoulder-fired rocket launcher in the other.

Then it was noon, which is when I get off.  And I was still in lockdown.

I was no longer amused.

I decided I felt lucky, punk, and took matters into my own hands.  Rachel (who also gets off at noon) and I plotted our great escape.  We slipped out with a crowd of football coaches and made a mad dash across campus to our cars.  (Note:  It would be lovely if we had parking closer to our building, you know, in case we're running for our lives. Just sayin'.)

Anyhoo, all's well that ends well.  Our very capable local police finally nabbed the guy down by the river which runs along the backside of campus. 

Oh, and today was registration day which is, um, a REALLY BIG DEAL.  So not only was the robber not a criminal mastermind, he also has really bad timing.

At least the lockdown didn't have anything to do with a sighting of the weird, naked guy that has been breaking into houses and watching people sleep.  But that's a story for another day.

I wonder what kind of creepy Google hits this post will get?

So I headed home expecting to spend a relaxing afternoon recovering from this harrowing experience.

Then Wes called.

He had gone out of town to pick up these:

 and had managed to...BREAK THE KEY to the Tahoe.

Who does that?!

(By the way, those are deer stands for those who are not in the know.)

So the girls and I had to drive an hour to take him another key.

At least he treated us to dinner at Larry's Pizza so it wasn't a total loss.

And thus ended another exciting day in Lisa's Little Slice of Life.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Smarter Than A Ninth Grader Part 2

Some of you have expressed an interest in my homeschooling progress, and by "some of you" I mean "one of you." (Shout out to my new favorite lurker, Amanda, who did not leave her email address or else I would have sent a happy little note thanking her for her kind comment.  Although I must say Amanda is quite right to be cautious about giving out her email address willy-nilly.  There are a lot of kooks around here out there!)

So without further ado, I will tell you what I have accomplished thus far in my homeschooling venture.  I will also tell you in list form because that makes me feel organized.

1.  First, I researched the homeschool laws in my state.  They're pretty flexible as far as required courses, number of credits, etc.  There is some standardized testing that will have to be done but that's no biggie.  Basically, all I have to do right now is turn in the proper forms (which were helpfully emailed to me by my bestie, Amber) by August 15th.  Then we're official.

2.  I went to the local school district website and downloaded their graduation policy for an advanced diploma.  We'll follow pretty closely so that IF we want to return to public school we'll be on track but we won't be using any of their curriculum.  I also downloaded their course catalog so I can make sure that our classes cover the same basic material as theirs does just in case.

3.  I found a GREAT website with every kind of printable form you could ever want to use for homeschooling and all kinds of great resources.  I even found a schedule for our science curriculum that someone else had prepared and posted.

4.  I prepared a course of study using the info I gathered in #2 to be sure that we'd end up with the right courses and number of credits.

5.  Then I wrote a four year plan which divided up the required courses into the proper sequence and year.

6.  Now the fun part--shopping for curriculum!  Here's a list of what we'll be studying this year (and I do mean we as I'm going to have to re-learn this stuff too!)
So that's it in a nutshell.  Now my task is to plan a schedule for the year and make lesson plans. We're right on track to begin mid-August.  Yippee!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Smarter Than a Ninth Grader

I have ordered all of Hayley's homeschooling curriculum for this fall. 

I couldn't wait to crack open the new books.  I LOVE me some new books.  The smell of fresh ink, the crisp new paper, the crack of the spine when it's opened for the first time.  Sigh.

I was in the midst of new-book-sensory-overload and I happened to look, really look at the actual content. 


I know I took Geometry but, HELLO, IT DOES NOT LOOK AT ALL FAMILIAR.

Neither does the Biology.  Or the Literature.  And do not get me started on Spanish.  I didn't even take Spanish.  I took French in high school.  WHHHHYYYY???  French is not at all useful.  But I remember I felt very sophisticated.  That and five dollars will buy me a Starbucks coffee.

So...panic is beginning to settle in.  But so is excitement.

Why am I homeschooling?  I'm so glad you asked!

Although there were many considerations that went into this decision, I think it really boiled down to this:


I woke up one day and felt like I'd been punched in the gut with the realization that Hayley is 14 and I only have FOUR MORE YEARS to influence her life decisions.  I thought of all the things I want to be sure she knows before she enters the shocking reality of the world.  And I realized that public school has made me lazy.  I've been passive, even content, to let strangers prepare my child for life.  Please, if you are happy with public school, please don't take this as a condemnation of your choice.  Just because it's right for us doesn't mean it's right for your family.  I just realize that I need to be very intentional about preparing Hayley for life and I know myself too well.  I won't make the effort unless I don't give myself a choice.

I also realized that seven hours a day at school plus all the extra-curricular stuff that goes with it doesn't leave much time for anything else...much less quality time sharing life lessons. 

So this next year will be about TIME.  Time for learning and laughing.  Time for living.  Because life is just too ding dang short.

Stay tuned this fall and find out if I'm smarter than my ninth grader.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Start Where You Are

I'm going to just jump right back in to this here blog like I've never been gone.

 My wise friend, Krista, once advised me when I was overwhelmed at how behind I was in scrapbooking that I just have to dive in and start where I am and keep it going forward.  I can always go back and catch up the other stuff as time allows.  I have spent hours to day trying to organize all the pictures on my laptop.  I am not nearly done.  And once I 'm done, I still have to blog about them.   So in the words of my wise friend I will start now.  I may get the heebie jeebies from working out of chronological order.  If you find me curled up in the corner slowly rocking back and forth and muttering Dates! Dates! The dates are wrong! please ignore me.
This product is NOT the be all to end all adhesive.  You may recall I tried to hang my window treatments with velcro.  Over time, the treatments keep shedding section by section until the entire thing is in the floor.  And they stayed that way for months.  And then along came UGlu.  It promised it would change my life. I believed you, UGlu.

Somewhere Billy Mays is rolling over in his grave.
He would have never pitched this UGlu product.

They looked lovely when I first put them up.  I even UGlued my super-size wooden spoon and fork over the main window.  It was FAB and of course, I failed to take a picture.  The next morning...half of one window was dangling down.  Stuck it bank up and gave it a stern talking to.  Later in the day Wes saw it dangling and stuck it back up firmly.  Then by that evening I found most of the window treatments just hanging by a thread.  And the supe-size fork...had met a bitter end in 1,000 pieces on my kitchen floor.

So, don't believe everything you see on TV even if it is Billy Mays' friend Andrew Sullivan that wants you  to buy it.  Run away.  Run fast.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

BlogPress: Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Hi there.

Apparently I've been on an unplanned bloggy hiatus.

Although, I haven't been gone as long as it appears I have. 

We're down to one laptop in our house right now and with four users that means a lot waiting my turn.  Also, you may remember that my previous laptop died and although I have a new one the restoration of my backup files is taking a SWEET FOREVER.  (That's a bone I have to pick with Hughesnet.  But that's a story for another day.)  So a couple of weeks ago I decided that if I was going to update my blog so you people would know I hadn't dropped off the face of the earth I was going to have to use the BlogPress app on my iPhone.

Y'all, I wrote the wittiest, most clever post EVAH about Wes and cantelopes.  And super-secret spy codes(Are you intrigued?!) And BlogPress told me it published it.


It did not publish said clever post.  Nor did it even save said clever post as a draft.

It's as though I never wrote it.

I suppose my GREATEST POST EVAH is floating around cyberspace somewhere.  How does that work? 

Is it like when the dryer eats socks? 

Is there a giant, ethereal cyber-world out there filled with orphaned blog posts and emails that never arrive?

It's a mystery that may never be solved. 

Monday, May 24, 2010


On the menu for tonight:

Whole Wheat Penne Rigata with Chicken
Zesty Lemon Steamed Asparagus

I was feeling quite gourmet-y and nearly sprained my arm patting myself on the back.  What a great mom I am, I was thinking.   Look at this healthy, nutritious, well-balanced and tasty meal I have prepared for my family.

Oh, I was pleased with myself alright.


I pulled out la piece de resistance of Penne Rigata with Chicken...Parmesan Cheese.

And it was moldy.

I was momentarily stumped as I pondered the age-old question: What Would Paula Do?

Paula would slather it in butter and call you "Shugah."

I am not Paula.

I picked out the blue fuzzy parts and called it bleu cheese.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

R.I.P. Shiba

After several years of web-surfing, social networking and photo editing together, it is with great sadness I must tell you that my trusty Toshiba Satellite laptop, Shiba, has passed on to that Great Computer Lab in the Sky on this sixteenth day of
May in the year 2010.

Her happily blinking LED light display and the cheerful whirring of her fan will be sorely missed.
May she rest in peace. Amen.

- Posted using BlogPress from Dixie, my iPhone

Friday, May 7, 2010

Finally Friday

I am so happy that it's finally Friday! It's been a rough week but OH! it just got better!

Look what Jack the UPS guy brought for me:

It's like he read my mind!!!!

I ordered these from (Free Shipping! Free Returns!) and then they sent me an email saying that since I was such a GREAT customer they were upgrading me to faster shipping for FREE! And y'all, dadgummit if I didn't get these puppies in less than 48 hours!!!!

I heart, new kicks, UPS and Friday!!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Fun With Geography

My 14 year-old daughter was telling me the other day about a commercial that she's supposed to make for her Career Orientation class.

Hayley:  Hey, Mom, our commercial is going to be really funny.  I play a girl with a Cajun accent.

Me:  Cajun?  Really?  I had no idea you even knew what a Cajun sounds like.

Hayley:  (begins demonstrating her "accent" which sounded a lot less Paul Prudhomme and a bit more Snookie from Jersey Shores .)  

Me:  Oh, you mean New Jersey.  That's not Cajun.

Hayley:  But I thought Cajuns lived in that other New place...

Me: Orleans?

Hayley: Yeah, New Orleans.  Whatever, it's close.

Me:  No, not close at all .  So you're doing the New Jersey accent instead? 

Hayley:  No, I'm doing the Cajun one.

Me:  No, you're not.  You're doing a New Jersey accent.

Hayley:  But don't Cajuns live in New Jersey?

She soooo needs to be homeschooled.

Monday, April 19, 2010

More Fun With Words

Conversation with my 14 year-old daughter--

Hayley: Mom! I just saw a headline that says Taylor Lautner likes BOYS!!!

Me: What?! I thought he dated Taylor Swift?

Hayley: I guess he's bilingual.

Me: Si, amigo.

- Posted using BlogPress from Dixie, my iPhone

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

What's Cookin'?

Let us pause for a moment of silence as we bid farewell to my poor, battered Emeril Lagasse saute' pan who has served me faithfully lo, these many years.

My dearest saute' pan, you have performed your duty with honor but I fear you have become a health hazard what with your scorched and flaking Teflon coating.  It is with great regret I must ask you to retire.

Sniff.  Sniff.

Ok, without further adieu, please welcome the newest member of my kitchen staff:

A shiny, red Paula Deen 5-qt. covered saute' pan!

So, Lisa, what delicious, gourmet treat do you plan to cook first in said new pan?

Coq au Vin? Boeuf Bourguignon?

No, I'll probably brown some ground beef--and not the lean stuff!  Woo hoo!  I really like to live on the edge.

 I'd also like for you to meet the newest member of my housecleaning staff:

Ta Da!  My Bissell Little Green Machine.

I love this little guy.  I've already shampooed my sofa.  I'll probably shampoo everything in this house that's not moving.

Actually, I may shampoo the dog if I can get her to stay still long enough.

Oh, I kid!

Not really.

Don't worry, my bloggy friends, I haven't morphed into a Domestic Diva.  I promise I will still regale you with tales of my culinary failures and housekeeping disasters.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Weekend Update

On Saturday we went to Hayley's soccer game where we tied which is good for us.

Hayley injured her ankle in the first half but rallied in the second half to play goalie.

Then we had to run errands on the way home.  A quick stop at Hobby Lobby to get more fringe for my window treatments.  I've been working on them for weeks and spent the entire weekend last week finishing them...almost.  I ran out of trim with only about 18" to go to finish.  Grrr.  And we don't have a Hobby Lobby in my town.  Double grrr.  But now they're done.

Much like sausage-making, my sewing process is not something that should be seen so you only get the final product.

You'll notice that the middle section does not swag.  Pretend I did that on purpose, m'kay?  Much like carpentry, in sewing you really should measure twice and cut once.

We had a delightful late lunch on Saturday with Wes' brother and his family at The Purple Cow.

Mmmm...Purple Vanilla Pie with Reese's.

We also ran by Lowe's to pick up some more stain for our deck.  Wes is on a mission to finish it and of course we don't have a Lowe's in our town either.  He was very disappointed to get home with it and discover that he bought semi-transparent stain instead of toner.  He then demanded to know what the difference was because in his mind stain is stain.  In my mind there's a world of difference.  I patiently explained that stain stains the wood but toner tones it.  See?  Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

He will be exchanging it tomorrow.

And that's our weekend in a nutshell.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Smarty Pants

More intelligent conversations around our house...

(Hayley, Caitlin and I are all in the kitchen and Hayley is reaching for a glass of water.)

Hayley:  My teacher said that drinking water makes you smarter.

Me:  He's full of crap.

(Yes, we use the word crap.  We also watch Spongebob and occasionally dance to Lady Gaga. Deal with it.)

Hayley:  Well, he said it makes your brain think faster or something.

Caitlin:  Faster isn't smarter-- you could be thinking dumb things.

(Later Caitlin and I are watching American Idol and a guy appears on stage blowing on a strange, ginormous pipe-like instrument that is painted in bright colors with aboriginal markings on it.)

Caitlin:  Hey!  That's a didgeridoo!

Me:  (thinking to myself) She's full of crap.

Randy Jackson: (to the singer) Hey, dawg!  That didgeridoo was hot!

(I look at Caitlin and she rolls her eyes as if to say, "What? You doubted me?!")

Saturday, April 3, 2010

I Hope The Easter Bunny Forgives Me

Hey, you know what happens when you put eggs on to boil and then forget about them?

Yeah, I don't think we'll be coloring these eggs.  They don't smell very nice either.

Caitlin was devastated until I reassured her that the Easter Bunny would still come even if we didn't have dyed eggs.  And I thought she was so concerned about keeping family traditions.  I should have known.

Then she asked if we could still eat them.  Um...sure.  You go first.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Let's Go Fly A Kite Up To The Highest Height!

This past weekend was bee-YOO-tee-full as Bert would say so we Wes decided we needed to fly kites.


Except for the kites flying.

And the singing and dancing.

And the girls wearing pinafores and sassy hats.

And the sophisticated English accents.

Otherwise it was EXACTLY the same.

Shockingly, kites purchased from the Dollar Store do not come with instructions and are not self-explanatory like you'd think.

I think we missed that day in science class when aerodynamics was taught.  We tried tying the string to the fat end of the kite and then to the skinny end of the kite.  Both resulted in said kite dive-bombing its owner before crashing and burning.  We tried tying the string in the middle of the kite which, interestingly, resulted in said kite hovering about three feet off the ground and spinning wildly in circles and hilarity ensued. It was great fun but couldn't really be described as kite-flying.

So we gave up.  But not before I fondly reminded Hayley of the phase she went through when she was about three and she insisted that we sing "Go Fly A Kite" EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. before bedtime.  Good times.

Caitlin carefully documented our weekend and published a Family Newsletter:

Apparently her key take-away from the kite incident was that you get what you pay for which I must admit is a valuable life lesson.  Take that, Mary Poppins!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Still The People

I have to tell you that I have been in quite a funk about the Health Care Bill passing and being signed into law this week.  I truly believe that it will be financially devastating and will have a negative impact on our individual freedoms in the years ahead.  I'm sure I'll get some vitriolic feedback for that statement.  You wouldn't believe the absolute venom that is spewed by some Lefties when someone like little ol' me dares to have an opinion that differs from their own.  That being said, I'm thankful that people like that are in the minority and that most Americans are good and decent folks who believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. 

In fact, that is the reason that I have renewed hope today.  I have been reminded that what made this country great are her people.  We are the people who left behind everything we had ever known to cross the ocean in search of liberty.  We are the people who conquered the wilderness and made it a home.  We are the people who despised tyranny and defeated the greatest empire in the world at the time.  We are the people who tamed the wild west.  We are the people who found it self-evident that all men are created equal and are endowed by their Creator, not government, with certain inalienable rights.  We are the people who throughout our history have been willing to sacrifice everything for liberty's sake.

It's going to be okay, America.  We are still the people. 

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Mourning in America

Tonight I weep for my country.

- Posted using BlogPress from Dixie, my iPhone

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Tales From Branson

Well, here we are in Branson for Spring Break--for the third year in a row. However, we are staying at the Hilton downtown by the river and it's very nice. In fact, this is the third year that my salesman hubby managed to sweet talk the girl at the front desk into giving us a free upgrade to one of their beautiful condos (and more importantly, free Wi-Fi). Should I be concerned that my husband is so charming that the girl actually remembers him from last year?

Last night we shopped a bit and dined on the deck of Joe's Crab Shack overlooking the river. It was 72 degrees and we were all in shorts & flip-flops. Today it is 34 degrees and raining. My body temp is confused.

We began the day today at Krispy Kreme. It's the Breakfast of Champions.

Then we saw Alice in Wonderland in 3D and I cannot tell you how much we loved it! It is incredible and amazing. Loved every minute of it even though I'm NOT a Tim Burton fan. I am a huge Johnny Depp fan though and he did not disappoint.

Then we did some serious "spaving" (that's "spending money to save money" for those not in the know). Best buy of the day: Lucky Brand jeans reg. $99 but I paid $4.50! SCORE!!

After exhausting our shopping abililities we headed to Macaroni Grill and it was delish. And Wes had a coupon for a free appetizer so SCORE again!

Then we visited the Hollywood Wax Museum and the Maze of Mirrors. While it was quite interesting it was not $75 worth of interesting.

Of course we had to end the day that started with Krispy Kreme's with a trip for frozen custard. Mmmmmm....good.

Now I feel like bloated road kill but it was so worth it.

- Posted using BlogPress from Dixie, my iPhone

Thursday, March 18, 2010

A Turning Point In History

I've been trying to decide what to say about Obama's health care plan that the House is probably going to pass (or at least "deem" passed) this weekend.  I don't even know where to begin. 



Because this bill IS NOT ABOUT HEALTH CARE.  It is about putting into place the framework for fundamentally transforming this nation into a Socialist/Marxist utopia.  It is about power and control in the hands of a few elite in Washington.  It is about the government takeover of one-sixth of the American economy.  It's staggering.

The funny thing about total government control is that history proves it doesn't end well.  Ever.  Never in the history of the world has government been able to deliver on its promises and more often than not it ends up delivering oppression and even bloodshed.

That's why Progressives have tried so hard to rewrite history.  I'm not sure if they actually intend to do harm to our country or if they are just arrogant enough to think that they can do total government right this time.  Probably a little of both.

In the meantime while we've all been arguing about whether or not health care is a right we have forgotten to ask if this bill actually works.  Oh it works alright.  Just not in the way we've been promised.

Did you know that the so-called Health Care Bill also includes legislation that eliminates private funding for higher education loans?  The government will now be the only source of education loans.  Why is that alarming?  Because whoever controls the purse strings controls who gets a loan, where they can go to school, and what they can study.

And don't you find it interesting that the same people who have argued for years about a woman's right to choose what to do with her own body now want to legislate what kind of fats and how much salt you can eat?

But America, this is not just Obama's and the Democrats' fault or Bush's and the Republicans' fault.  This is OUR fault because we wanted to believe the lies they told us.  We wanted to believe that we could have it all and not suffer any consequences. We wanted to believe that America is too big to fail.  In our arrogance, we wanted to believe that the natural laws of economics didn't apply to us.

This is a turning point in our Nation's history.  Our grandchildren will read about this day in their history books.  Make no mistake--you must choose sides.  If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.  This health care bill is a significant battle in the greater war against the usurping of liberty.  One day our grandchildren will want to know, "Where were you when America destroyed itself?"  I hope to tell mine that I was standing firmly rooted in the principles of liberty and speaking boldly without fear for freedom's sake.  What will you tell yours?


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Train Wrecks and Decision

First, did you see American Idol tonight?

I am so embarrassed for Ke$ha.  Hello, Sitting Bull called and wants his headdress back.  She should definitely stick to the studio.  Live performances are NOT her friend.  It was an absolute train wreck.  And yet I couldn't NOT watch it.

I am happy to tell you that I think one of my hamsters has finally been put to rest.

PETA, if you are reading this I don't literally mean "hamster".  No animals were harmed in the blogging of this post.

I think we've made our decision regarding homeschooling.  It's a GO!  It's amazing what a huge burden has been lifted just knowing that we have a plan.  And events this past weekend about which I am being purposely vague served as confirmation that we've made a good decision.  I am now excitedly researching ninth grade curriculum and thinking about lesson plans.  I. AM. SO. GIDDY.

Anybody out there have any suggestions on high school curriculum?  I don't want to spend a lot so I've already ixnayed pretty much any of the DVD curricula.  A Beka Grammar & Composition comes highly recommended by my bestie.  And I have to tell you that grammar and literature are my FAVORITE subjects so I am psyched about finding Literature curriculum that I love.  And, yes, I love grammar.  I love diagramming sentences.  I am a loser.  I was an English major for a while and almost had enough hours for a degree in English before I switched to Accounting.  I knew I didn't want to teach so I really didn't know what I would do with an English degree.  Now accounting--that one is obvious.  You do accounting.  End of story.  Have I mentioned that I am also practical?  My accounting degree has served me well, lo these many years, and now my almost-English degree will too!

Oh, and I really need to talk to you about this health care debacle that is taking place this week.  More on that later...unless I'm busy building a bunker and stocking it with canned goods.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Hamsters On Wheels

Remember me?  It's been a while.

I'm happy to report that my computer is feeling much better now.  Unfortunately, since it no longer takes 10 minutes to open the web browser or load pages my kids have hijacked it.  If I want to use my own laptop I have to make an appointment.  I know I'm the parent but I try to choose my battles wisely and this is just not one I'm willing to fight right now.  I have bigger fish to fry.

***Warning:  You are about to experience another one of my brain dumps. ***

I read somewhere that studies show that daily naps greatly strengthen the ability to pay close attention to details and to make critical decisions.  Now that's research I can really get behind.  Noted nap enthusiasts include Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison.  So, obviously I'm in good company and I may be a great world leader or inventor someday.

I also read somewhere that writing down your thoughts helps your brain process them.  That's unfortunate for you, my readers.

So here goes...

I am still pondering whether or not to home school my 8th grader next year.  There are a few reasons I'm even considering homeschooling.  First, our local public high school has a less than desirable learning environment.  And when I say "less than desirable" I mean it's a nightmare. (No offense to my teacher-readers.)  I won't go into details but suffice it to say that it's out of control.  A friend of mine described it really well yesterday when she said that it has an "adversarial atmosphere."

Second, my daughter is afraid of the high school.  And not without reason-- One of her best friends was physically assaulted last week.

Third, my dad instilled in me a love of learning that continues to this day and I don't see that same desire in my children.  I WANT that desire in my children.  Public school is failing to accomplish that in my children.  I want to attempt to pass that love of learning on to them while I still have the chance.

Fourth, I think I could do a better job of preparing my children for college.  We could work at their own pace instead of having to teach down to the lowest common denominator.

Fifth, I am concerned about what my kids are learning in public school.  Man-made global warming is taught as fact rather than a theory and skeptics, like my kids, are openly ridiculed--even by teachers.  (I'm not going to debate man-made global warming with you today so don't waste your comments.  I'm saving that for another post.)  History is being rewritten to cast a favorable light on the progressive movement and to remove the Founding Fathers.  Kids are being taught in subtle ways that America is bad and that becoming a "global citizen" is the way of the future.  In short, today's children are being indoctrinated.  (Again, I'm not going to debate this with you today.  That's for another post.) I am burdened by what I want my children to know before it's too late.

So, it sounds like I've already made up my mind, right?  Here's the catch:  My daughter LOVES basketball and soccer and if I homeschool her she won't be allowed to participate.  Some states have what is commonly referred to as a Tim Tebow law which says that homeschool students must be allowed to participate in extracurricular activities.  Unfortunately, Arkansas is not one of them.  There was a so-called Tim Tebow Bill brought up before the legislature last year but it was tabled and sent for an interim study.  It won't be up for a vote again until the spring of 2011.

We live in a small community so there aren't enough homeschool students to form their own team.  Some cities around us do have that option available but it would mean driving at least 45 minutes ONE-WAY for practices.  And she LOVES her team here.  It's a really great group of girls.

So....I don't know.

Some more thoughts running around in my head like hamsters on wheels have to do with my house.  We built a house four years ago that we love.  Mostly we love the location.  We had a realtor call us recently and ask if we would consider selling it because she was looking for something suitable for some clients.  As our friend Chris the banker says, "Everything is for sale for the right price."  So we let them come look at it thinking that nothing would come of it.  And then they wanted to come look at it again.  Uh-oh.  So we looked in to buying more land in this same area and building another house.  Which was kind of exciting...for a few minutes.  And then the thought of moving set in...ugh.  We'd have to rent something in the meantime and we've got three dogs and two cats.  This is a problem.  However, we kept thinking how nice it would be to downsize a little, especially in view of the current economy.  And then we thought maybe we would just refinance since rates are so much lower now.  But that's a hassle too.  And then we'd be committed to staying put for a few years in order to recoup the loan closing costs.  But then what if we need to relocate because of jobs or what if we have an offer on the house that just blows us away?  So that's all up in the air.

And speaking of the economy, Europe is melting down and I'm afraid we're not far behind.  I am wrestling with the best way to prepare.  I'm not building a bunker in the back yard yet but I am concentrating on paying down debt, getting out of the stock market, stocking up on canned goods and learning to speak Mandarin.

Oh, I kid.

About learning to speak Mandarin.

That one's way down on my priority list.

You know what?  I DO feel better now.  Those hamsters can take a break from their exercise in futility for a little while.

Monday, February 22, 2010

I Despise Windows

Have you noticed that I've been somewhat absent in the blogosphere lately?

I have a laptop running Windows Vista that I used to really like. Notice the past tense usage.

I think I have worms...the electronic kind. As a result, it took 54 MINUTES to start my computer (including restarting twice by removing the battery), open Internet Explorer and log in to the website I wanted to use. I feel like a caveman.

Anyone have any suggestions? Other than buying a Macbook? I've tried three different registry cleaners and three different anti-virus programs.

Blogging from my iPhone is not really practical for anything other than short, plain blogs. Also, if you've noticed that I haven't been leaving comments on your blogs, please know that I miss you but using Google Reader on my phone makes me crazy and leaving comments is even harder.

I think this is electronic payback for my dissing the new Apple iPad. I would dearly LOVE to have one right now.

- Posted using BlogPress from Dixie, my iPhone

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Love, Love Will Keep Us Together

Now you will have that song stuck in your head.

You're welcome.

We celebrated Valentine's Day by taking the dogs for a run in the woods.

No, not that kind of run because, Hello? Have you met me?

We were riding the four-wheeler and said dogs were running whereupon they spied an armadillo. Maddie the German Shepherd managed to catch the armadillo, who I've named Reuban, by the tail and hilarity ensued. Dazey the Golden Retriever aka Big Chicken was briefly interested until Reuban jumped on her nose whereupon she decided to studiously examine a suspicious mud puddle until Maddie had Reuban safely under control.

Armadillos are amazingly sturdy, feisty creatures and Rueban was no exception. We called a truce, signed the Canine-Armadillo Treaty of 2010 and went on our merry way.

Upon returning home we immediately settled in for some more redneck fun...NASCAR.

No, I am not a fan. Again, Hello? Have you met me? I do not understand the fascination with watching cars go in a circle.

My sweet husband completed my Valentine's Day by gifting me with roses...

and a blueberry bush.

I do hope that the barren condition of my gifts is not symbolic of the state of our marriage.

Actually, he knows my practical nature and gifted me with florals that won't least until I forget to water them this summer.

Hope you all had a Happy Valentine's Day too!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Who's On First

Mom steps over piles of dirty clothes, blankets, quilts etc. to retrieve clean set of sheets from dryer.  Walks into living room where teenage daughter and tween daughter are lounging around watching TV.

Mom:  Whose sheets are these? 

Girls:  (simultaneously) Mine.

Mom:  (helpfully) They are off-white.

Girls:  (still simultaneously) Mine.

Mom:  (patiently to tween) I asked you to take your sheets off your bed and put them in the laundry room.  (turning to teen)  Did you take yours in there too?

Teen:  Yes.

Mom:  (surprised because Teen rarely takes the initiative like that) But there was only one set of sheets in the laundry room to be washed.

Tween:  (confidently) I put mine in there like you said.

Mom: (to Teen) Are you SURE you put yours in there too?

Teen: (positively) Yes.

Mom and tween go back to the laundry room and wade through the piles of clothes and sundries. 

Mom:  Where did you put your sheets?

Tween:  (pointing to the one empty spot on the floor) There.

Mom decides these MUST be Tween's sheets because a) that's the exact spot the sheets were in when Mom found them and b) Teen rarely does anything without being asked.  She heads back into the living room still holding the fresh-from-the-dryer sheet set.

Mom: (to Teen)  These are Tween's sheets.  Where are yours?

Teen:  I put them in the laundry room.

Mom:  They aren't there.

Teen:  Well, I only had the thin sheet.

Mom:  All sheets are thin.  Be more specific.

Teen:  I never had the other sheet.

Mom: (slightly less patient) Which sheet?

Teen:  The one that goes on the bed.

Mom: (deep breath)  ALL sheets go on beds.  Be more specific.

Teen:  You know, the one with the stretchy stuff on it.

Mom: You mean the fitted sheet. So where is it?

Teen:  I never had one.

Mom:  You never had a fitted sheet?

Teen:  No.

Mom:  So what have you been sleeping on?

Teen: The thin sheet.

Mom:  The flat sheet?  (thinking of the laundry room where there are NO sheets) Where is it?

Teen:  I don't know, I never had it.

Mom:  So you just had a fitted sheet?

Teen:  No.

Mom:  No, what?  No fitted sheet?!

Teen:  Right.  Just the thin one with the stretchy stuff.

Mom:  THAT IS THE FITTED SHEET! And it's NOT in the laundry room!

Teen: Oh.  I don't know where it is.

Tween has been observing this whole conversation quietly.  Mom turns to go into Tween's room and put the sheets on her bed and Tween follows her.

Mom:  (sees fitted sheet ON Tween's bed) Your sheet is still on your bed!!!!  Why did you say you took it to the laundry room?

Tween: (shrugging) I thought you just meant the thin sheet.

Mom gives up and tosses sheets on Teen's bed and goes to drown her sorrows in a box of Whitman's Chocolates.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

My Modem Hates Me

If Hughesnet ever offers you a fancy, shmancy, faster "upgraded" replacement modem, RUN.

It is much slower and less reliable than the old modem, no matter what Bob in India says.

I think my Zumba instructor, Kristi, hates me too. She made us use weights tonight and as a result I cannot lift my arms and may need someone to cut me out of my shirt.

Indian Bob and Kristi may be in cahoots to drive me right over the edge of reason.

- Posted using BlogPress from Dixie, my iPhone

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Experiencing More Technical Difficulties...Please Stand By

We may try installing our upgraded Hughesnet modem tonight.

If you don't hear from me you'll know it was an epic fail.

- Posted using BlogPress from Dixie, my iPhone

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Don't Talk To Strangers And Other Good Advice Your Mom Gave You

Wes is such a good-hearted person.  He always wants to believe the best in people and occasionally it gets him into trouble.  Like the other day...

Wes:  Hey, did I tell you the other day I saw a guy walking on the interstate with a gas can?

Me:  (already wary)  Oh?

Wes:  Yes, he was such a decent-looking guy, well-dressed, kinda reminded me of my dad.

Me:  (knowing where this going) Hmmm.

Wes:  So I --

Me: (interrupting) Tell me you didn't stop and talk to him.

Wes:  Well...I pulled over to ask him...and uh...uh, you know... his car was probably just a little ways down the road, and uh...

Me:  You gave him a ride, didn't you?

Wes: (sheepishly) ....Yeah.

So at this point I'm thinking that, while it was really an unwise thing to do, I understand that Wes tends to run out of gas quite often and would therefore have sympathy for a fellow-traveler.

Wes: (tone becomes indignant) And would you believe that when I asked how far it was to his car he said, "Oh, I don't have a car.  I got a DUI and can't drive.   I just carry this gas can so people will stop and pick me up."

Me:  (Silent but with that I-told-you-that-you-can't-just-go-around-giving-random-strangers-the-benefit-of-the-doubt look on my face)

Wes:  (feeling the need to fill in the silence)  He was going to Hot the races.

Me:  (more silence and stern looks)

Wes:  Um, he said you wouldn't believe how many people fall for the gas can thing.  He said he could get to Hot Springs and back in a day.

Me: (refusing to be impressed by the potential serial killer's travel ingenuity)  Have you not seen enough episodes of Criminal Minds and CSI?!?!?!

Wes: (defensively) Well, he looked really nice!

Me:  Ted Bundy was nice-looking too.

Wes:  Um, so anyway,  I told him he really pulled one over on me and then I drove about 85 mph to the next exit and dropped him off.

(About 5 minutes passes in silence with Wes happily thinking the subject has been dropped.)


Wes:  Well, I really kept my eye on him.

Me:  Oh, good.  So you would have seen him pull a gun and shoot you between the eyes.

Wes: (knowing when it's best to just give up) Yep.

Monday, February 1, 2010

We Are Currently Experiencing Technical Difficulties

So the Hubs has been squirreling away money for a while in his TV fund and since tomorrow is his birthday I kicked in enough to help him reach his goal.

He is now the proud owner of a 47-inch LCD flat panel HDTV.

And I'm in hiding in the bedroom. I don't do well with change...the hopeful kind or not.

We had this antique old TV from, like, the 90s. It was the bomb back in the day. Problem is...these new-fangled flat-panel TVs are wider than the old kind. Which means the new one doesn't fit in my lovely entertainment center. Boo.

So now the armoire part of my entertainment center has been moved to the other side of the room and the two bookcases are now flanking my coffee table upon which the Hubs' new toy is perched. And all my knick-knacks that were sitting on said bookcases are now scattered on my fireplace hearth and mantel. And I can see every. speck. of. dust. on them. And the dust bunnies are attacking. Please tell me y'all have monster dust bunnies under your furniture too!

So, I was supposed to read the instructions for Hubs because you know men don't read instructions. I took them out of the box and they unfolded into a sheet as big as my dining room table. And they were covered in color-coded diagrams and technical jargon. At this point I informed Hubs that he did not want my help. For the sake of my sanity. And our marriage.

I hear him on the phone now with Customer Service. That can't be good.

And now he's muttering something about needing a technician. Shhhh. I'm going dark.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Analyze This

So last night I dreamed that I was shopping with my mom in some kind of outdoor market-type place and we were admiring a display of greeting cards and noticed that Alice from the Brady Bunch was also looking at the same display.  I was soooo excited and was gushing that it was so lovely to meet her and I looked over at my mom and realized that, hello, my mom IS Florence Henderson aka Carol Brady!  I was very upset with her for not having introduced me to Alice before since obviously she knows her personally.

Wes dreamed that he went to a party with Glenn Beck where Glenn was the featured speaker.  Glenn had on a suit and Converse tennis shoes with no laces and he introduced Wes to Jennifer Garner.

I don't know what to tell you about us.

Someday I'm going to surprise you and NOT blog about what I dreamed the night before.  Won't that be nice?  If you're still here, that is.

Oh!  I know.  I can tell you how LIVID I am that someone dumped an old sofa right in the middle of the road by my house right in front of the sign that says "No Dumping." What is wrong with some people?!

That's almost as bad as the time someone dumped the ginormous dead pig in the road.  And when I say "ginormous" I mean HUGACIOUS.  Like the size of a cow.  And my neighbor Randy had to tie it to his four-wheeler and drag its putrid, stinking corpse into the woods.  That was nice.

People are forever dumping dead deer carcasses there too which isn't too bad since the buzzards make pretty quick work of it but my dogs are forever bringing me body parts that they expect me to play with.  And my German Shepherd got food poisoning from a dead deer once and almost died.

My blogs about my dreams are sounding better and better, aren't they?

And then there was the time that I saw a drug dealer hiding in the bushes there in this very same spot.  I'm sorry,  alleged drug dealer.  Oh, and the time that the drug buyer's car broke down, also in this same spot, and I stopped to see if she needed help and let her use my cell phone so I would have the number she called in my cell phone memory and I gave it to the police.  And they said, Oh yeah, that's Mary.  We know her really well around here.  Great.

But really, we LOVE where we live except for this one trouble spot.  But it does provide some excitement in our otherwise dull lives where the only thing I can think of to tell you about is what I dreamed.

Friday, January 22, 2010

I Had The Weirdest Dream Last Night

So, I haven't been sleeping well this week.  I let myself run out of Flexaril because I thought it didn't really affect me but as it turns out it must because I have been waking up at 3:00 am EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK.  I am picking up a refill PRONTO.

Of course, it hasn't helped matters that Wes' new wireless printer is POSSESSED.  It is stationed in our bedroom behind the TV and occasionally decides to turn itself on and print something that no ones cares about.  And it only does this at 3:00 am.  Once it printed Wes' pay stub.  Last night it printed a receipt for a donation I made to Samaritan's Purse LAST WEEK.  And my laptop came on and beeped and its lights got all bright and flashy and I think they are conspiring together to drive me insane.  Why do my electronic devices hate me?

So I finally fell back asleep around 5:00-ish and then I had the most bizarre dream.  I dreamed that I was at a party with June Gardens of Bye Bye Pie which is weird since I don't actually know her.

Sidenote:  If you don't read June you are really missing out because she is the funniest person I don't really know.

Another important note:  June is known for having really BIG HAIR.  She regales her readers regularly with tales of her hair woes and usually treats us to a picture of her unruly hair too.  And as far as I can tell from her blog she and her husband, Marvin, are about the same age.

So we're at this party and June shows up with very short, very straight, very manly hair.  And Carpoolqueen was there too, which is also weird but not AS weird because at least I really do know her in real life.  So, Carpoolqueen sidles up next to me and looks at June's new man-do and whispers, "Disappointing, isn't it?  And didn't I tell you that she is WAY older than Marvin?!"  And then I realized that June looked like Ernest Borgnine!

I have no idea what this means.

Oh, and I also dreamed that we had another dog that we forgot about and I found it in the backyard, starving and dehydrated.  I was kneeling over it's poor, emaciated body and weeping in despair and completely wracked with guilt.

If you'll excuse me, I need to go do a head count and make sure all the critters are accounted for and then I'm going to pick up my prescription.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Guess Whose Status as Family Pet Is In Jeopardy?

This used to be a cell phone charger.

When confronted with the evidence, Tess simply replied...

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Someone Just Lost Her Pet of the Year Award

This is Tess.

Tess is a very bad dog.

Don't let her sweet, innocent face fool you.  She's diabolical, I tell you.  But say, isn't that a lovely collar she's sporting?

You can purchase one of your very own if you are so inclined by visiting the Smithzonian Art Studio downtown.

So, a little while ago I stepped out into the hallway and saw this awful mutt with her ENTIRE head inside a bag of trash that was sitting by the back door.  She had managed to chew a hole in it and distribute its contents all over the hallway too.  I think she's been working on it for some time.  I noticed last night that her ears were crunchy but was unable to locate the source of the crunch-inducing substance.  And I know what you're thinking...My word! How long has her trash been sitting there?  Don't judge.

Of course, I blame Wes.  He wasn't here for trash day and Momma doesn't do trash day.

That's man's work.

Anyhoo, I struck my "YOU ARE SO BUSTED" Mom-pose (hands on the hips, eyes glaring, you know the one)  and said very sternly to the scandalous canine, "Excuse me!  I KNOW I don't see you in my trash!"

(Yes, I really talk to my dog like that.  Sometimes we have rather lengthy, albeit rather one-sided, conversations.  She's a great listener.)

Her head jerked up out of the trash bag and she had a deer-in-the-headlights look on her face. She knew EXACTLY who I was talking to and what I was referring to.  She may be bad but she's not stupid.

She is currently cowering under my bed where she reeks of eau de garbage.  I can smell her from here.  I am waiting for an apology.

And thank goodness those lovely collars are machine-washable.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I'm A Geek

I am GIDDY I tell you about today's special election in Mass. for Teddy Kennedy's old Senate seat, or should I say The People's Seat, ahem. Wes was planning to be out of town tonight but made a special trip home so we could pop some popcorn and watch the election results roll in. 'Cuz we're cool like that.

Today's election stars Republican former nude model Scott Brown and Democrat Martha "Curt Schilling's a Yankee fan and there are no more terrorists in Afghanistan" Coakley. Who says politics is dull?!

But first, we are going to Caitlin's volleyball game.

Don't let the fact that she's the smallest one on her team fool ya, she's scrappy!

That's her wearing the Sullivan number 19 just like her Daddy wore when he played baseball and her Uncle Brad did too. Aunt Sarah wore the number 19 in softball and her big sis, Hayley, wears it for soccer. It's a good number!

Ok, gotta run. The polls are closing!

- Posted using BlogPress from Dixie, my iPhone

Monday, January 18, 2010

A Post in Which I Borrow Material From a Friend's Blog

I got this from Mer's blog and thought it seemed like fun. She called it a Random Dozen.  I like that.  It makes me think of cupcakes in all different flavors with various sprinkles.

1. When was the last time you craved a food--what was it, and did you crave?
I guess it was the night I dreamed that I had a big box Cheese Nips.  And then i woke up and obsessed all day about whether or not to go get some Cheese Nips.  Of course, I did.  Well, I sent Wes to pick them up....along with Little Debbie Zebra Cakes.

2. M & M's or Skittles?
M & M's   hands down, no contest here/

3. Have you ever read the Bible completely through?
Yep, when I was in about the 5th grade.  Our pastor's sermons were so incredibly dull and over my head I used that time to get in a few chapters.

4. How long does it take you to really wake up in the morning?
Two snoozes of the alarm, a cup of coffee while watching Fox & Friends while eating my oatmeal.  Then about 15-20 stretching.

5. Have you ever been on a cruise? If not, would you like to?
I have not been on a cruise.  I'm not crazy about the idea.  I don't like water and I hear the rooms are very small.  
6. Who is your favorite actress?
Amy Adams, I guess. And all the girls in "Glee"
7. ______ is something that I will just never understand.
Islamofascism and progressivism

8. How much of a technology junkie are you?
I am so in love with Dixie, my iPhone.  She is my constant companion.  And I love my laptop.  Does that make me a junkie?
9. Do you enjoy selecting greeting cards for people, or is it more of a cultural "have to" for you?
I don't give greetings card for people because I think they're stupid.

10. When was the last time you got a new style/haircut?
I am giddy because I'm getting a new cut and color in the morning at 9:30!!!!

11. What do you enjoy shopping for most?
I love to shop for crafty stuff and home decor stuff.  

12. What's the last thing you think of before you leave the house?
Where am I going?  Am I supposed to take someone with me?  If so, where are they?  Do I have my Starbucks Travel mug filled and ready to go?  Is Tess barricaded in the laundry room with a roasted pig ear to keep her busy? Where's my purse?  Are my keys in it?  Where's DIXIE?!?!?  Oh, she's in my purse.  Let's go.

Friday, January 15, 2010

The Post I've Put Off Long Enough

I've written this post a million times in my head but I can never seem to get the right words to come out when I start typing.  Here it is, the middle of January already, and the rest of the world seems to be truckin' right along and here I am, still stuck reflecting on 2009.  I had this grand idea that I would write a clever New Year's post.  It would be witty and enlightening.  It would inspire you, my faithful readers, and move you to tears.

Not so much.

So I've decided to just keep it real and tell you what's been on my heart.

2009 was not kind to me.  I am very glad to see it slink off into the past where it belongs.  It was a year in which everything I thought I knew was shattered into a thousand little, jagged pieces.  I'll be picking up those pieces one by one for a very long time.

2009 was the year in which I lost my faith in God but found it again or at least something that faintly resembles it.  This was the year that I questioned everything I had ever been taught about God and everything I thought I believed to be true about God.  2009 was the year I decided that prayer didn't matter and yet I couldn't stop praying.  It was the year that I believed that it might all be some horrible joke and there really is no God and yet I couldn't quite quit believing.

2009 was the year that everything I thought I knew about parenting turned out to be woefully inadequate.

2009 was the year that I no longer recognized the country that I live in.  The America I thought I knew didn't exist anymore.

2009 was the year that people I trusted, that I called Friends, betrayed my trust in a painful and shocking way.  It was a year in which I would question every relationship I had and everyone I thought I knew.  It was the year that I learned the hard way to be guarded with people for fear that while they were smiling at me they were plunging a knife into my back.

2009 was the year every belief I ever held about anything of substance was challenged.

2009 was the first year I have ever been fearful of the coming of the New Year and what it might hold.

And yet...

It was a year that I learned more about myself than I really wanted to know.  It was a time of painful pruning by the Gardener.  Indeed, my branches still hurt.  But I think I'm starting to see some little green shoots of new growth.  There may not be any buds yet but they're in there.  They'll bloom in time.

And I'll be grateful for the lessons of 2009.

But not today.  Today I'm just glad it's in the rear-view mirror.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Answering Life's Questions One Blog Post At A Time

My bestie Amber over at Raising Rascals posed a question at the end of her post today that may well be one of the most important questions of our time.  After much pondering of the enormity of the question before me and much thoughtful consideration and careful study, I believe I can answer said question.

The question posed by the infamous Rascal Raiser was this:

If you were forced to transform into a toy for the rest of your life, which toy would you be?  Why?

My immediate thought was "Why, Malibu Barbie, of course!"

Who wouldn't want to be unrealistically, perfectly beautiful and live in a Dream House and drive a cool pink convertible?  But then I thought, "Do I really want to try to maintain perfection the rest of my life?"

Nah.  And let's face it, Ken is just way to metrosexual for my taste.  Now G.I. Joe, there's a manly man!

So then I thought, "Mrs. Potato Head.  That's it!"  She doesn't have to worry about her figure because, hello, SHE'S A POTATO!"  And when Mr. Potato Head gets on her nerves she can don her angry eyes and rip his lips off.

Ok, so maybe that's a little too violent.

And then it hit me...

I'd be a Slinky!

What could be better than that?!  No one really expects too much out of a Slinky.  It does one thing and does it really well so there's no pressure.  AND someone always carries it UPSTAIRS and it only has to go DOWN by itself and even then it just has to let gravity do its thing.

It's the ultimate in laziness.

I love it.

And now you have that obnoxious song stuck in your head.

You're welcome.