Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Great Balls of Fire

This past Thursday night I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Hubster who had been out of town all week on business.

(phone rings)

Me: Hello?

Hubster: I'm not coming home tonight. My $#%* car broke down! @$%&! $%#%!!!

(I should clarify here that he did not ACTUALLY utter any foul language. It was simply unintelligible sounds of frustration. But we all know what he was thinking, right?)

Me: Huh? Where are you?

Hubster: Hampton Inn in Russellville. %$^&!!! &*#%!!! This is going to be expensive. The right front wheel is smoking.

Me: Well, did you put it out?!

(At this point I'm envisioning that scene from Planes, Trains and Automobiles with John Candy and Steve Martin. Oh, John Candy, how I miss your wacky humor! )

The rest of the conversation basically involved discussions of Cash for Clunkers and other similar fates that Hubster wished upon his poor vehicle.

Fast-forward to Friday morning.

(phone rings)

Me: Hello?

Hubster: Well, come and get me. It's gonna cost %@# $750 to fix.

Me: So what's the deal?

Hubster: The mechanic said my balls melted.

(awkward silence)


Hubster: Bearings, ball BEARINGS!

Me: (continued hysterical laughter) Are you sure you don't need some ointment for that?!

The plan was for me to drop the kiddos off at school and drive to Russellville and pick up the Hubster and rent a tow-dolly and bring that sucker home because we have a smart friend, Mr. RascalRaiser, who excels at all things engineerical.

I made a small detour in LR for Krispy Kremes to drown our sorrow in and eventually made my way to Russellville, still snickering and guffawing.

Upon my arrival at the Goodyear place, Hubster walks out to greet me and we realize we are both wearing the SAME t-shirt. Could we look any more ridiculous? (The cashier at Burger Boy assured us we were very cute. Oh, good.)

So we scurried down to the local U-Haul rental office and rented a tow dolly from a rather shifty character who informed us that our Tahoe wasn't rated to pull that much weight but he thought Hubster could handle it. His confidence in Hubster's ability and Chevrolet's craftsmanship was inspiring.

We proceed to load the $%^# Expedition onto said tow dolly and found that the front tire was perched on top of the dolly's wheel well. We figured this was probably not acceptable for transporting so we returned said dolly to the shifty character who most helpfully located a larger trailer at another U-Haul location. I say 'helpfully' because our Tahoe still wasn't rated to pull an Expedition so he put in the system that we were driving a Silverado 3500. Well, it IS a Chevy. At this point, I asked the question "So what happens when we show up with a Tahoe instead of a Silverado?" I was shushed.

We drove over to pick up the larger trailer and guess what?

Yep, THIS dude was doing his job and wouldn't let us rent it because my Tahoe isn't rated for it. But I'm not one to say "I told you so."

But I did.

So we finally accepted that there wasn't a way to get the %$^& Expedition home and sucked it up and told Goodyear to go ahead and fix it. And then we told the kids that they wouldn't be able to go to college.

Actually, by this point we were not going to make it in time to pick up the kids from school. Hubster managed to find various and sundry friends to take care of our children for us as we drove home in silence. Occasionally, the silence was broken by uncontrolled giggling on my part.

Long story short, Hubster managed to find a friend with a GINORMOUS trailer and another friend with a GINORMOUS pickup and the %$&* Expedition finally made it's way home on Saturday. Smart friend says he can get us the parts for about $200 and he and Hubster can fix it themselves. We love our smart friend.

(Smart friend had already agreed to replace the radiator. And all of this is AFTER my dog tried to eat him. He's a true friend, is all I can say.)

Fast-forward to Monday afternoon.

I backed my Tahoe into a car in the parking lot at the Health Club.

See? I KNEW I hated gyms.

Fast forward to Tuesday.

(Note: Hubster is driving our 'back-up' vehicle, an old Mitsubishi Montero.)

(phone vibrates indicating I have received a text message.)

Hubster: AC and alternator belts broken. At Firestone this time.

Me: Makes sense.

It is US after all. What else did you expect?

I still think it might be an evil, progressive plot trying unsuccessfully to lure us into Cash for Clunkers.


buscher3 said...

OK - I about peed my pants when I read "He said my balls melted." LOL. Soooooo funny. I'm sure he wasn't too happy with you at the time for laughing, but I would have so done the same thing. So I'm pretty sure I won't be reading your blog ever again at almost 10 o' clock when the kids are sleeping and eat a dreamsicle while reading it b/c I might laugh so loud I wake them up and break my popsicle so that little parts fall down my shirt.

mer@lifeat7000feet said...

My balls melted. OMG...that is classic. When you asked him about putting out the fire it made me think of a certain someone (BKR) and his fireman story. If you don't know it, ask his wife to tell you. It is stinkin' funny.

Dude, you guys have had it rough this week. So sorry, Lis.

Tiffani said...

oh girl..not that I'm wishing any thing bad on any body but it's nice to sense the %$@& frustration in you that I'm going through..

Our @&!# sebring finally made it home this morning at 7am...BUT, not sure the part will "hold" (hello? it ONLY has 180K+ miles on it)...so, now he's driving my precious Minnie the Van 70 miles one way to work (yes, you read that right)...so, who knows what's next..did I mention I don't have a paying job??!! ;)

Maybe if I tell my honey about melty balls he'll perk up about our own (@*#@ car!!

God, please send us a Smart Friend!!

Kendra said...

Aaah, but you're too late. The program ended. That's the liberal government's way to get back at you for not wanting to spend money we don't have to make our weakened and deep-in-debt economy stronger. Silly you, didn't you figure that out all ready?

And tell Wes that I hear Gold Bond Medicaid Powder is good for that kind of thing.

Mich said...

Rolling with laughter as I read this post. Even better that I know your hubby and had a mental picture of you both during the whole post.

Amber said...


It might just possibly be funnier in writing.

And your smart friend giggled like a girl last night when he got the text about the Mitsubishi. He is feeling very loved and needed.

At least you got Krispy Kremes.

Carpool Queen said...

I'm so proud that you call out your husband so the whole world wide web can giggle near him.

Never at him.

Or his parts.

Nina Diane said...

my balls are melted!! haha...does it get any better. Those darn Expeditions.....we just shelled out $950 on our's!

adrienne said...

That is so stinkin' funny!!! I laughed so hard out loud by myself!! I read CPQ's blog today and saw her reference to your blog. So glad I stopped by. I'm trying to figure out how you could work the melted balls into a halloween costume. Now THAT would be funny!!!

Lynn said...

Came over from carpoolqueen's blog. As the owner of a van that's been in the shop maybe . . . five times already this year? I feel your pain. Gotta admit I laughed. Pretty darned hard. But I do feel your pain ;)

Anonymous said...

Lord love a duck, I needed that laugh. Thank you ever so much.

Maria Sullivan said...

I heard the story in person on Sunday and I totally agree Amber that it was so much funnier to me when Lisa wrote it in this post!!! I am dying .... I can see the whole thing playing out! I would have been laughing the whole time too!

Lisa, they say things come in three's and since you have three vehicles and something has happened to all three then surely you must be done!!!!

Thank goodness for friends!

Jennifer said...

I still snicker to myself everytime I think about this!! :)

Might want to keep him away from the Tahoe!! It is still working, right!!

Hope your week gets better!! Melted balls and all!! :)