I've written this post a million times in my head but I can never seem to get the right words to come out when I start typing. Here it is, the middle of January already, and the rest of the world seems to be truckin' right along and here I am, still stuck reflecting on 2009. I had this grand idea that I would write a clever New Year's post. It would be witty and enlightening. It would inspire you, my faithful readers, and move you to tears.
Not so much.
So I've decided to just keep it real and tell you what's been on my heart.
2009 was not kind to me. I am very glad to see it slink off into the past where it belongs. It was a year in which everything I thought I knew was shattered into a thousand little, jagged pieces. I'll be picking up those pieces one by one for a very long time.
2009 was the year in which I lost my faith in God but found it again or at least something that faintly resembles it. This was the year that I questioned everything I had ever been taught about God and everything I thought I believed to be true about God. 2009 was the year I decided that prayer didn't matter and yet I couldn't stop praying. It was the year that I believed that it might all be some horrible joke and there really is no God and yet I couldn't quite quit believing.
2009 was the year that everything I thought I knew about parenting turned out to be woefully inadequate.
2009 was the year that I no longer recognized the country that I live in. The America I thought I knew didn't exist anymore.
2009 was the year that people I trusted, that I called Friends, betrayed my trust in a painful and shocking way. It was a year in which I would question every relationship I had and everyone I thought I knew. It was the year that I learned the hard way to be guarded with people for fear that while they were smiling at me they were plunging a knife into my back.
2009 was the year every belief I ever held about anything of substance was challenged.
2009 was the first year I have ever been fearful of the coming of the New Year and what it might hold.
It was a year that I learned more about myself than I really wanted to know. It was a time of painful pruning by the Gardener. Indeed, my branches still hurt. But I think I'm starting to see some little green shoots of new growth. There may not be any buds yet but they're in there. They'll bloom in time.
And I'll be grateful for the lessons of 2009.
But not today. Today I'm just glad it's in the rear-view mirror.