Friday, January 15, 2010

The Post I've Put Off Long Enough

I've written this post a million times in my head but I can never seem to get the right words to come out when I start typing.  Here it is, the middle of January already, and the rest of the world seems to be truckin' right along and here I am, still stuck reflecting on 2009.  I had this grand idea that I would write a clever New Year's post.  It would be witty and enlightening.  It would inspire you, my faithful readers, and move you to tears.

Not so much.

So I've decided to just keep it real and tell you what's been on my heart.

2009 was not kind to me.  I am very glad to see it slink off into the past where it belongs.  It was a year in which everything I thought I knew was shattered into a thousand little, jagged pieces.  I'll be picking up those pieces one by one for a very long time.

2009 was the year in which I lost my faith in God but found it again or at least something that faintly resembles it.  This was the year that I questioned everything I had ever been taught about God and everything I thought I believed to be true about God.  2009 was the year I decided that prayer didn't matter and yet I couldn't stop praying.  It was the year that I believed that it might all be some horrible joke and there really is no God and yet I couldn't quite quit believing.

2009 was the year that everything I thought I knew about parenting turned out to be woefully inadequate.

2009 was the year that I no longer recognized the country that I live in.  The America I thought I knew didn't exist anymore.

2009 was the year that people I trusted, that I called Friends, betrayed my trust in a painful and shocking way.  It was a year in which I would question every relationship I had and everyone I thought I knew.  It was the year that I learned the hard way to be guarded with people for fear that while they were smiling at me they were plunging a knife into my back.

2009 was the year every belief I ever held about anything of substance was challenged.

2009 was the first year I have ever been fearful of the coming of the New Year and what it might hold.

And yet...

It was a year that I learned more about myself than I really wanted to know.  It was a time of painful pruning by the Gardener.  Indeed, my branches still hurt.  But I think I'm starting to see some little green shoots of new growth.  There may not be any buds yet but they're in there.  They'll bloom in time.

And I'll be grateful for the lessons of 2009.

But not today.  Today I'm just glad it's in the rear-view mirror.


Kendra said...

I'm with you. It was not a good year for anyone, your family especially. I, too have spent many a moment this last year wondering if God really does exist. Sometimes, I wonder and sometimes I still believe. Because as you said, there were so many moments last year we just wonder where God was. I am glad you survived and will one day gain wisdom from the trials and tribulations. Hang in there, friend.

Mich said...

Isn't it wonderful that we have an understanding and loving God, who is there even in our off moments of doubting? A Heavenly Father who knows us better than we know ourselves and still loves us?

I know you have had a hard year. You have been in my prayers along the way.

Here is "praying" that 2010 showers you with blessings beyond our imagination.

Nina Diane said...

here's hoping 2010 will be a kinder, more relaxed year for you. I understand on a lot of the points you made. I just think sometimes life is so hard...and then it's wonderful...and then it's hard again!

Amber said...

2009 did suck. A lot. And I don't know that it affected anyone that I know and love as much as it did you.

But you inspire me, Lisa. Because you have proved strong. And honest. And true. Through all the crap that the year threw at you.

Love you much. So deeply honored to call you friend. And to add the word "best" in front of it, isn't too shabby either. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh I get this post. To the bottom of my heart. I wish we could sit in the same room and work through some of this stuff together.

I just read a quote this week: "Unshakable faith is faith that has been shaken." I'm reading and studying and being still. And very slowly picking up the pieces of the devastation that was 2009.

We will be better people because of last year, Lisa. We certainly don't want to repeat it, but we aren't going to waste the hurt of that year. (Hope you don't mind me speaking for you! :) )

Carpool Queen said...

Ditto on so many of those areas.