Analyze This

So last night I dreamed that I was shopping with my mom in some kind of outdoor market-type place and we were admiring a display of greeting cards and noticed that Alice from the Brady Bunch was also looking at the same display.  I was soooo excited and was gushing that it was so lovely to meet her and I looked over at my mom and realized that, hello, my mom IS Florence Henderson aka Carol Brady!  I was very upset with her for not having introduced me to Alice before since obviously she knows her personally.

Wes dreamed that he went to a party with Glenn Beck where Glenn was the featured speaker.  Glenn had on a suit and Converse tennis shoes with no laces and he introduced Wes to Jennifer Garner.

I don't know what to tell you about us.

Someday I'm going to surprise you and NOT blog about what I dreamed the night before.  Won't that be nice?  If you're still here, that is.

Oh!  I know.  I can tell you how LIVID I am that someone dumped an old sofa right in the middle of the road by my house right in front of the sign that says "No Dumping." What is wrong with some people?!

That's almost as bad as the time someone dumped the ginormous dead pig in the road.  And when I say "ginormous" I mean HUGACIOUS.  Like the size of a cow.  And my neighbor Randy had to tie it to his four-wheeler and drag its putrid, stinking corpse into the woods.  That was nice.

People are forever dumping dead deer carcasses there too which isn't too bad since the buzzards make pretty quick work of it but my dogs are forever bringing me body parts that they expect me to play with.  And my German Shepherd got food poisoning from a dead deer once and almost died.

My blogs about my dreams are sounding better and better, aren't they?

And then there was the time that I saw a drug dealer hiding in the bushes there in this very same spot.  I'm sorry,  alleged drug dealer.  Oh, and the time that the drug buyer's car broke down, also in this same spot, and I stopped to see if she needed help and let her use my cell phone so I would have the number she called in my cell phone memory and I gave it to the police.  And they said, Oh yeah, that's Mary.  We know her really well around here.  Great.

But really, we LOVE where we live except for this one trouble spot.  But it does provide some excitement in our otherwise dull lives where the only thing I can think of to tell you about is what I dreamed.

I Had The Weirdest Dream Last Night

So, I haven't been sleeping well this week.  I let myself run out of Flexaril because I thought it didn't really affect me but as it turns out it must because I have been waking up at 3:00 am EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK.  I am picking up a refill PRONTO.

Of course, it hasn't helped matters that Wes' new wireless printer is POSSESSED.  It is stationed in our bedroom behind the TV and occasionally decides to turn itself on and print something that no ones cares about.  And it only does this at 3:00 am.  Once it printed Wes' pay stub.  Last night it printed a receipt for a donation I made to Samaritan's Purse LAST WEEK.  And my laptop came on and beeped and its lights got all bright and flashy and I think they are conspiring together to drive me insane.  Why do my electronic devices hate me?

So I finally fell back asleep around 5:00-ish and then I had the most bizarre dream.  I dreamed that I was at a party with June Gardens of Bye Bye Pie which is weird since I don't actually know her.


Sidenote:  If you don't read June you are really missing out because she is the funniest person I don't really know.


Another important note:  June is known for having really BIG HAIR.  She regales her readers regularly with tales of her hair woes and usually treats us to a picture of her unruly hair too.  And as far as I can tell from her blog she and her husband, Marvin, are about the same age.

So we're at this party and June shows up with very short, very straight, very manly hair.  And Carpoolqueen was there too, which is also weird but not AS weird because at least I really do know her in real life.  So, Carpoolqueen sidles up next to me and looks at June's new man-do and whispers, "Disappointing, isn't it?  And didn't I tell you that she is WAY older than Marvin?!"  And then I realized that June looked like Ernest Borgnine!

I have no idea what this means.

Oh, and I also dreamed that we had another dog that we forgot about and I found it in the backyard, starving and dehydrated.  I was kneeling over it's poor, emaciated body and weeping in despair and completely wracked with guilt.

If you'll excuse me, I need to go do a head count and make sure all the critters are accounted for and then I'm going to pick up my prescription.

Guess Whose Status as Family Pet Is In Jeopardy?

This used to be a cell phone charger.

When confronted with the evidence, Tess simply replied...

Someone Just Lost Her Pet of the Year Award

This is Tess.

Tess is a very bad dog.

Don't let her sweet, innocent face fool you.  She's diabolical, I tell you.  But say, isn't that a lovely collar she's sporting?

You can purchase one of your very own if you are so inclined by visiting the Smithzonian Art Studio downtown.

So, a little while ago I stepped out into the hallway and saw this awful mutt with her ENTIRE head inside a bag of trash that was sitting by the back door.  She had managed to chew a hole in it and distribute its contents all over the hallway too.  I think she's been working on it for some time.  I noticed last night that her ears were crunchy but was unable to locate the source of the crunch-inducing substance.  And I know what you're thinking...My word! How long has her trash been sitting there?  Don't judge.

Of course, I blame Wes.  He wasn't here for trash day and Momma doesn't do trash day.

That's man's work.

Anyhoo, I struck my "YOU ARE SO BUSTED" Mom-pose (hands on the hips, eyes glaring, you know the one)  and said very sternly to the scandalous canine, "Excuse me!  I KNOW I don't see you in my trash!"

(Yes, I really talk to my dog like that.  Sometimes we have rather lengthy, albeit rather one-sided, conversations.  She's a great listener.)

Her head jerked up out of the trash bag and she had a deer-in-the-headlights look on her face. She knew EXACTLY who I was talking to and what I was referring to.  She may be bad but she's not stupid.

She is currently cowering under my bed where she reeks of eau de garbage.  I can smell her from here.  I am waiting for an apology.

And thank goodness those lovely collars are machine-washable.

I'm A Geek

I am GIDDY I tell you about today's special election in Mass. for Teddy Kennedy's old Senate seat, or should I say The People's Seat, ahem. Wes was planning to be out of town tonight but made a special trip home so we could pop some popcorn and watch the election results roll in. 'Cuz we're cool like that.

Today's election stars Republican former nude model Scott Brown and Democrat Martha "Curt Schilling's a Yankee fan and there are no more terrorists in Afghanistan" Coakley. Who says politics is dull?!

But first, we are going to Caitlin's volleyball game.





Don't let the fact that she's the smallest one on her team fool ya, she's scrappy!





That's her wearing the Sullivan number 19 just like her Daddy wore when he played baseball and her Uncle Brad did too. Aunt Sarah wore the number 19 in softball and her big sis, Hayley, wears it for soccer. It's a good number!

Ok, gotta run. The polls are closing!

- Posted using BlogPress from Dixie, my iPhone

A Post in Which I Borrow Material From a Friend's Blog

I got this from Mer's blog and thought it seemed like fun. She called it a Random Dozen.  I like that.  It makes me think of cupcakes in all different flavors with various sprinkles.

1. When was the last time you craved a food--what was it, and did you crave?

I guess it was the night I dreamed that I had a big box Cheese Nips.  And then i woke up and obsessed all day about whether or not to go get some Cheese Nips.  Of course, I did.  Well, I sent Wes to pick them up....along with Little Debbie Zebra Cakes.

2. M & M's or Skittles?

M & M's   hands down, no contest here/

3. Have you ever read the Bible completely through?
Yep, when I was in about the 5th grade.  Our pastor's sermons were so incredibly dull and over my head I used that time to get in a few chapters.

4. How long does it take you to really wake up in the morning?
Two snoozes of the alarm, a cup of coffee while watching Fox & Friends while eating my oatmeal.  Then about 15-20 stretching.

5. Have you ever been on a cruise? If not, would you like to?
I have not been on a cruise.  I'm not crazy about the idea.  I don't like water and I hear the rooms are very small.  

6. Who is your favorite actress?

Amy Adams, I guess. And all the girls in "Glee"

.

7. ______ is something that I will just never understand.

Islamofascism and progressivism

8. How much of a technology junkie are you?

I am so in love with Dixie, my iPhone.  She is my constant companion.  And I love my laptop.  Does that make me a junkie?

9. Do you enjoy selecting greeting cards for people, or is it more of a cultural "have to" for you?

I don't give greetings card for people because I think they're stupid.

10. When was the last time you got a new style/haircut?

I am giddy because I'm getting a new cut and color in the morning at 9:30!!!!

11. What do you enjoy shopping for most?

I love to shop for crafty stuff and home decor stuff.  

12. What's the last thing you think of before you leave the house?

Where am I going?  Am I supposed to take someone with me?  If so, where are they?  Do I have my Starbucks Travel mug filled and ready to go?  Is Tess barricaded in the laundry room with a roasted pig ear to keep her busy? Where's my purse?  Are my keys in it?  Where's DIXIE?!?!?  Oh, she's in my purse.  Let's go.

The Post I've Put Off Long Enough

I've written this post a million times in my head but I can never seem to get the right words to come out when I start typing.  Here it is, the middle of January already, and the rest of the world seems to be truckin' right along and here I am, still stuck reflecting on 2009.  I had this grand idea that I would write a clever New Year's post.  It would be witty and enlightening.  It would inspire you, my faithful readers, and move you to tears.

Not so much.

So I've decided to just keep it real and tell you what's been on my heart.

2009 was not kind to me.  I am very glad to see it slink off into the past where it belongs.  It was a year in which everything I thought I knew was shattered into a thousand little, jagged pieces.  I'll be picking up those pieces one by one for a very long time.

2009 was the year in which I lost my faith in God but found it again or at least something that faintly resembles it.  This was the year that I questioned everything I had ever been taught about God and everything I thought I believed to be true about God.  2009 was the year I decided that prayer didn't matter and yet I couldn't stop praying.  It was the year that I believed that it might all be some horrible joke and there really is no God and yet I couldn't quite quit believing.

2009 was the year that everything I thought I knew about parenting turned out to be woefully inadequate.

2009 was the year that I no longer recognized the country that I live in.  The America I thought I knew didn't exist anymore.

2009 was the year that people I trusted, that I called Friends, betrayed my trust in a painful and shocking way.  It was a year in which I would question every relationship I had and everyone I thought I knew.  It was the year that I learned the hard way to be guarded with people for fear that while they were smiling at me they were plunging a knife into my back.

2009 was the year every belief I ever held about anything of substance was challenged.

2009 was the first year I have ever been fearful of the coming of the New Year and what it might hold.

And yet...

It was a year that I learned more about myself than I really wanted to know.  It was a time of painful pruning by the Gardener.  Indeed, my branches still hurt.  But I think I'm starting to see some little green shoots of new growth.  There may not be any buds yet but they're in there.  They'll bloom in time.

And I'll be grateful for the lessons of 2009.

But not today.  Today I'm just glad it's in the rear-view mirror.

Answering Life's Questions One Blog Post At A Time

My bestie Amber over at Raising Rascals posed a question at the end of her post today that may well be one of the most important questions of our time.  After much pondering of the enormity of the question before me and much thoughtful consideration and careful study, I believe I can answer said question.


The question posed by the infamous Rascal Raiser was this:

If you were forced to transform into a toy for the rest of your life, which toy would you be?  Why?


My immediate thought was "Why, Malibu Barbie, of course!"


Who wouldn't want to be unrealistically, perfectly beautiful and live in a Dream House and drive a cool pink convertible?  But then I thought, "Do I really want to try to maintain perfection the rest of my life?"


Nah.  And let's face it, Ken is just way to metrosexual for my taste.  Now G.I. Joe, there's a manly man!


So then I thought, "Mrs. Potato Head.  That's it!"  She doesn't have to worry about her figure because, hello, SHE'S A POTATO!"  And when Mr. Potato Head gets on her nerves she can don her angry eyes and rip his lips off.


Ok, so maybe that's a little too violent.


And then it hit me...


I'd be a Slinky!





What could be better than that?!  No one really expects too much out of a Slinky.  It does one thing and does it really well so there's no pressure.  AND someone always carries it UPSTAIRS and it only has to go DOWN by itself and even then it just has to let gravity do its thing.


It's the ultimate in laziness.


I love it.


And now you have that obnoxious song stuck in your head.


You're welcome.